STUVIZKUEL

blind_lotus @ 2007-01-15T21:03:00

2007-01-16T02:03:05Z

this is my last entry

blind_lotus @ 2007-01-15T20:52:00

2007-01-16T01:58:52Z

funny how so many think that i'm a happy person
when i really have not one thing to be happy about

happy to have loved?? i'd rather i havent ..
happy to have lived? i cant wait for it to end
happy to know i'm going to die SOMEDAY?? i fucking hope so

i'm not happy about anything
and i cant imagine why i will be
nothing happens ever
nothing WILL happen

ever

i want things to happen, things to go well
but they dont
they only get worse

its like i'm rotting
slowly falling apart
yet

never ending

thats my world
a rotting corpse
cept it atleast ..
well nvm

it doesnt smell better, i can hardly breathe let alone see
my eyes are dying, its begining to get hard to breathe
my mind is betraying me
so are many things

if it could end i would be happy for once
but ..

it wont
ever
end

lifes a fuck'n cycle
you get something
then it dies
'n thats it
then it does it again
and again
and again
and again
till parts of you slowly die
with it

its sickening

theres only so many parts of me that can die
eventually .. i'll be a robot
some sort of vessel without a soul
how will that work?
who knows .. but i can only hope something
happens to finish the job ..

my motivation is gone
my care is nearly gone
i cannot laugh ..

well i can laugh .. but at minor things
somethin stupid can make me laugh
but thats temporary
lasts seconds
but means nothing to me

i'd rather i just died
but i wont
i cant
unfortunetly

i dont see why one can understand this
and if they can, then that truely sucks
but there is indeed ways of getting out of this
i just need my motivation, my energy
which has left me

i dont care what happens to me anymore
because i already know its pointless to worry
about things that dont matter

blind_lotus @ 2007-01-15T20:48:00

2007-01-16T01:50:19Z

lost the ability to cry
cant imagine that being good in the long run

i get close to it often, but it never happens
it just ... stops ...
right before the tears start, it stops ..
the feelings stay, i cant get rid of them
i cant cry them away, because i cannot cry

definetly not good in the long run ..
figures it would happen ..
enough has happened ..

i guess emotions can only take so much
before they start to die

un sure ..

2006-10-22T06:05:08Z

i just wanna forget about things ..

but things keep reminding me that i cant!

dunno what to do .. dont think i CAN do anything
nuthin left

meh anyways, here's an entry lol sorry its so weird hahaha
sorry i dont make many entries ..

blind_lotus @ 2006-09-25T12:24:00

2006-09-25T16:31:51Z

uh guess i havent posted in ages .. dunno what to put in here anymore ..

lol this site looks alot different then i last remember .. and it deleted my
face lmao which is amusing ... not that i care about having a face haha
er userpic i mean lol ... same basic thing i think lol

well i kinda found a job i guess .. worked thursday 'n friday lol .. worked
my frigg'n ass off .. burned a hole in my left ankle somehow lol which was
hilarious, then i couldnt find the busstop around that stupid warehouse
so i tried to limp my way home lol ... well i found my way down a number
of highways till eventually i said fuckit 'n i called my dad lol who complained about already drink'n 'n shit like that before finally sayin ok
'n show'n up to take me 'n my over-half dead self home lol

anyways i gotta head off lol but i'll try to post on here more often
sorry i havent btw for the past while .. things've been somewhat rough lol
:P that 'n i forgot ... anyways lol should hear from me again sometime i think

LOL

2006-02-25T23:08:57Z

well i just made a decision lol cauz i'm pissed off lol

i'm NOT going back lol fuckit i'll start anew ...

lol somebody wants to hate me for thinking for myself lol GO AHEAD

lol no real friend will treat me like shit for this

those who do are fake friends lol and i want nothing to do with them

lol that is all

oh lol dont mean i wont ever visit lol just means .. EVERYBODY moves lol
as i just did in july ...

lol so yeah lol thats all ..

meh

2006-02-25T07:03:43Z

promised somebody i would post .. so here goes :

havent been doin much, havent seen people since july ... made plans finally with somebody, but they cancelled ... fuckit i'm gonna go outside around all those people anyways ... who knows? maybe some sorry idiot'll try'n mug me ... the fool'll never beable to move again once i'm done with 'em ...

anyways .. gonna go there maybe sit around enough that people'll talk to me .. guess nexopia aint so great a way to meet people .. hard to meet people who think your a weirdo 'n a freak .. though i suppose going to the mall isnt gonna make a difference .. they can that way just see that i still am a weirdo and a freak .. lol cept that way i cant hide how i feel as easily as msn 'n the internet can do ..

sure i guess im depressed lol i'm sick of making dumb poems about it .. sick of being 'goth' .. sick of being anything .. sure i AM depressed lol its not gonna change, nobody can change it but me lol but i'm kinda not as willing as i was so whatever shit happens we all go through what we all go through ... sometimes bad things do happen lol sometimes not ... either way right now i suddenely dont think i give a shit no more ... somebody wants to stab me outta nowhere lol they can have fun trying lol if theyre successful lol then good for them .. if not .. well i guess no good for them! either way i dont care ...

everybody gets depressed it happens

... this songs annoying ... * changes song *

k well .. dunno what else to say .. lol hmm .. guess i could be happy i'm still alive? but what for ... i'm not happy i'm alive or unhappy i'm not alive .. if i die tommorow then it was meant to be, if i indeed survive the trials yet to come, then well .. i guess i'm better than i thought ...

lol being alone is harder than i thought but i think i understand why its happened to me now .. its a test, one big test ... i originally planned on going to vancouver in the first place when i took off from my step family in nanaimo lol so i could figure out who i am, and what my purpose truely is .. well as of now i suppose i understand myself, but i still cant yet findout why i'm alive and what my true purpose is ... not completely sure why i'm alone, but i'm sure theres some form of reason behind it .. some greater force keeping me here .. and i DONT mean god cauz gods bullshit whoever dissagrees i dont give a shit its my opinion lol 'god' aint done nothin for me so 'god' dont deserve my belief, simple as that ... anybody wanna argue with me about that then go ahead you wont change me

actually lol just dont bother annoying me about that lol cauz if you try you'll just ... make a fool outta yourself and show that well lol that i just dont give a damn what you think!

anyways ... well i mean that for EVERY god and religion lol not just stupid jehova 'n all that shit lol it goes for EVERYTHING lol and this also doesnt mean i'm some kinda dumb anti-christ devil worshipper lol cauz thats bullshit too! lol the popes a load'a crap, the devils a load'a crap, bush is a load'a crap lol and so is the illuminati!! lol so jus' leave me outta it!

anyways ... lol i'm sick of being couped up in this fuck'n hole of a house lol i'm starting to workout now, i'm taking better care of myself lol but i'm NOT the same person i was before i left vancouver lol most might not even like me if i truely do manage to return lol those who dont well then kiss my ass for all i care i'm better off alone anyways ..

lol speaking of, if i do return, i wont take being lied to anymore ... that and i wont be treated smaller than another again either lol else i'll not treat those who do that better than me lol it wont happen i have a soul too .. or so it seems so i'm going to act as if i do .. somebody wanna step on me? i'll step on you harder ..

lol those who are decent lol i will treat great so dont get me wrong there ...

if i do come back lol dont expect me to be as social as i was lol i'll need space espessially at first lol ... i'm not used to people after being alone for a year, so keep that in mind lol ...

lol i'll continue to wear my trenchcoat lol those who dissagree on the matter will be swept aside since i dont give a damn lol .. well i'll wear what i want basically .. i WONT stand aside for elderly lol just as much as i wouldnt step aside for anybody unless theyre polite about it lol .. ( saying this because of some incidents that happened while i was there )

i wont take shit from old people lol trust me .. some old fucker runs at me screaming lol i'll break his jaw

well that goes for anybody period lol unless i know them lol people point a knife at me lol they'll lose some fingers, point a gun at me lol you better hope you shoot me lol

anyways lol this post has no real goal of what it means i'm just rambeling random crap .. tis obvious though ... lol

ANYWAYS bye

blind_lotus @ 2005-10-13T16:18:00

2005-10-13T20:23:47Z

let me build for you
the finest castle
made out of bone
from the finest people
lead the empire of crap
takeover this world of death
thats all thats left of this
and all that will be
wait for the end together
hold you in my arms til' i decay
waiting for nothing
but always everything

blind_lotus @ 2005-10-13T16:13:00

2005-10-13T20:18:35Z

dont worry it cant end
it never does its not supposed to
it'll last forever
endless suffering
pointless suffering
always wondering why
whats the meaning
why doesnt it just end
the fact that it never will
the idea that this is how life is
no rest for the wicked
let me rest
let me free
let me live
let me die

blind_lotus @ 2005-10-13T16:05:00

2005-10-13T20:10:45Z

i wonder if they'd notice
the one who's not really there
his heart clings to them
his soul longs for them
not much words
not much emotion
once it all comes down to it
they wont know when it ends
they wont notice
they wont care

blind_lotus @ 2005-08-16T19:44:00

2005-08-16T23:48:04Z

Place of silence, moving shadows
Crimson eyes are strangely gleaming in the darkness
Madness starting to awake
Playful desire starving of blood
Get down limitless night

Along with the scream from the death throes
Sharp claws are shining brighter
Dually obscene breaths continues
And rips apart the silence of night
Crossing the uplifty life
Get down limitless night

No fear, no sadness
Lofty life is tasting loneliness and eternity
And near by the target with no more life
Red drops on my greedy lips
Falls down on the freezing ground
Get down limitless night

Spill blood on me... 'till it fills my body

blind_lotus @ 2005-08-13T22:43:00

2005-08-14T02:46:48Z

i'm bored ... been doin shit all today but sitt'n on me arse playing final fantasy tactics as usual ... damnit all ... i wanted to goto the mall today with Paul as we planned yesterday, but he cancelled 'n changed it for tommorow .. he said he 300% promised ... he'd be best to keep that promise cauz
i havent been outside in a month'n a half or more so yeah .. lil' insane kinda
by now ... i LIKE to walk but its boring to be alone thus damnitall i dunno ..

fack!

not only that .. i've been sober for 2 or so weeks now and before that i was gooned in some way since the begining of july ... i would very much enjoy to keep that cycle going please! lol get my mind of some shit lol

blah!

blind_lotus @ 2005-08-09T16:00:00

2005-08-09T20:11:56Z

i just came to realize the fact that i have a permenant scar on my face ... not that it really makes that much a difference espessially since its not all that bad at all, its just weird knowing its gonna be there for now on the rest of my life as will the rest of the scars i have and that i will endup with while time passes ... its not like i give two shits wether my face is slightly changed like that or nothing, but yeah its just interesting to think about how such a small thing as falling on cement could change my apperence slightly forever.

now that i think of it, life constantly leaves scars as it goes through. what i mean by this is, for example, what my stepdad did. he waited for me to near the end of my visit in toronto before he let me know that this is going to be where i'll be living for now on. obviously i'll be back in vancouver eventually, but the scar that i would refer this to is the fact that it drastically changed the course of my life. ofcoarse scars dont exactly change the coarse of a life, depending on the intensity of that scar ... though i guess what randy ( stepdad ) did has such an intensity as to relocate me across canada.

anyways, i guess i'm slightly rambling ... haha

which i'll stop now!! :D

blind_lotus @ 2005-07-17T21:12:00

2005-07-18T01:18:32Z

heh i havent slept for 'bout two days ... aint so bad i admit but meh, but yeah... i havent set foot outside for a long time lolz and yeah lol :D

kinda re entering my 'dark' mode i guess lol ... what can ya do ...

havent been doing anything but playing videogames basically ...
'n thinking i guess

i'm bored ... cya later

blind_lotus @ 2005-06-09T12:44:00

2005-06-09T19:44:59Z

oh .. and i lost my poems so i wont be putting them up lol sorry! :D

( two entries ago i said i would post my poems but yeah .. )

blind_lotus @ 2005-06-09T12:38:00

2005-06-09T19:44:00Z

just thought i'd let everybody know that after July 2nd ( i'm the bestman at a wedding so i'm gonna be in vancouver up till then ) probably a few days after to a week afterwards i'll be heading to toronto for a month or so .. probably most of summer anyways but i WILL be coming back. If anybody wants to hangout before i takeoff for awhile this month is the time to do so. :P

though i'd also like to say that i have no buspass ( please dont offer one though cauz i wanna try'n get by on my own for the most part but thanks for the thought if you do anyways :) ) i can basically only hangout in surrey 'n such places ( scottroad, surreycentral, newton ) i ride a bike everywhere and some places i'm not quite willing to bike to lol ... basically .. alot of king george, some of scottroad ( mainly to russ's or to scottsdale area ) and somewhere around newton exchange ... lol ...

bah i duno lol anyways .. i'm kinda bored so thats also why i'm rambling on about whats goin on an' cauz i havent made an entry in forever ... and obviously cauz i wanna hangout with everybody before i vanish magically! :D

blind_lotus @ 2005-05-31T14:22:00

2005-05-31T21:30:41Z

well at the moment im hyped up on caffiene lol and yeah ... its finally kick'n in so yeah .... thats good!! :D

i'm bored 'n i have 8 more minutes left on my library card for the net so i thought i might as well waste that time on livejournal since i rarely go here at all anyways! :D aint that special!?? :D YAYYYYY lol

i dunno but i gotta take a piss soon lolz .... wow i talk like this when i'm drunk hhaha ( dont mind me if i'm ' obscene ' at all right in this entry, if i am at all ... some people find the word PISS bad so yeah ... if not lol meh .. yet if you do care that i said piss .. lol TOOBAD ) anyways ... poop

6 minutes remain ... wanna go for a walk after .. but yeah .. piss first then walk yet rick is still on the net aswell and he got on it a little later then i did since he went to the bathroom or somethin .... but oh well i'm sure he'll be done by the time i take a piss or somethin i dunno .. or not haha ..

5 minutes ...

i'm typing pretty fast right now ... maybe cauz i'm hyper as fuck ...

i drank a double shot expresso strait ... though i do get hyper pretty fast so yeah ... damn it tasted nasty too !! yuck tastes like earwax er somethin ..

4 mins.

things are okay momentarily i think ... i dyed my hair again ( pink/red/plum ) an' my mom freaked out 'n such ... kinda saw it coming but whatever, its my head so its my choice lmao ... she appologized fer freak'n out the day after she did though cauz she was in the wrong! :D so i forgave her ... i'm basically on good terms with her for the most part which i'm enjoying since its been hell most of the time i lived with her ...

almost 2 mins.

hrm .... i really gotta try'n get ahold of scott ... ( ricks' fiancee's brother ) cauz i need to talk to him about the bachelor party that me 'n him are gonna plan lol ... i'm ricks' best man so i've got some hell on my shoulders for a bit ...

eah ... 55 seconds

umm .. now i cant keep my eyes offa the time ...

37 seconds ...

lol this is almost kinda fun ... wow next entry i wanna put my poems on lol

20 secs ..

cya!!!

blind_lotus @ 2005-04-28T23:55:00

2005-04-29T06:57:29Z

umm just to clear something up .. obviously a part of me revived the other part that was dead since
i'm still alive or alive again or whatever you wanna call this lol.

goodnight everybody!

blind_lotus @ 2005-04-28T23:45:00

2005-04-29T06:55:08Z

yesterday was a weird day ...

it was the day i died .......

to make it a bit easier to explain .. i got sick cauz i didnt eat or sleep for almost 2 days .. and
somehow my body sortof couldnt handle it due to the same thing like that happening so often.

i was on a bus .. my skin became pale as snow, my eyes went purple, my lips went blue, my sight
left me, and i became extremely dehydrated extremely fast ... i was sweating an ocean lolz basically.

it probably lasted around 10 minutes i'm guessing .. i think that the only thing that was still working
was my brain .. i felt dead .. part of me was fighting whatever was happening .. so many thoughts
flew through my head all at one time i couldnt focus on any of them.

i planned on getting off the bus and going with Rochelle for a bit since we were headed in the same
direction for the most part. though when she was getting off the bus i couldnt move so i had no choice
but to stay there and go a different route to russ's house. i really did want to go with her though.

:) i think she kinda likes me .. i hope so .. i like her ..

heh funny how i say this after my previous entry saying that i'm glad i'm alone huh?
for the most part i guess i kindof am, but i suppose that if i find somebody then i'm okay with that too

its more like i'm happy either way aslong as either way goes good. :P

being alone is bound to go good since i cant dump or get too mad at myself if i screw something up lol, and i cant exactly cheat on myself or whatever. but i can make somebody angry if i was going out with somebody lolz .. so that COULD go bad, not saying that i would plan on letting it go bad if it was to happen.

meh i gotta use the bathroom ... then maybe i'll sleep to avoid things repeating themselves huh?

blind_lotus @ 2005-04-26T00:07:00

2005-04-25T19:24:40Z

Heh like usual i start my entry by saying " its been a long time since i've made an entry " ... might as well say this now, its probably going to be like that for now on ... so i wont bother sayin it no more ...

Anyways, i things are goin basically okay or .. more at a calm point right now i think well sofar anyways. I'm back in school for one. Schools going pretty good considdering i'm actually not slacking off and i'm getting the shit done for once. Not only that, but me being in school should convince my mom not to kick me out anytime soon hopefully, which is good news to me.

There is also the fact that i got a new haircut lately. Its actually SUPER short compaired to how i usually have it. The back is close to an inch, or maybe a little bit longer who knows, something like that anyhow. As for the front hair, its probably somewhere between 2.5 - 3.5 inches which is okay.

I've stopped being the depressed loser i've usually been .. not saying everybody who is depressed is a loser, but i'm just saying, i was going nowhere
how i was. But now i can fall asleep at night, if its past 10pm pretty much, even if i stayed up until 2 - 5 the past few days beforehand. Not only that, but i'm single again, and i'm enjoying it more than i thought i would. I cannot be in a relationship because part of me needs freedom, and a certain lack of responsibility, for example .. say i was at a party, and i had a girlfriend, but she wasnt there and i got drunk and madeout with somebody. I would have screwed things over because of the whole lack of freedom and the responsibility. Not saying i did that mindyou, all i'm saying is that i want to beable to do that if it came down to it and i dont want to have to be responsible for what i do when i'm drunk, or for hurting anybodies feelings which i would do if i did something while i was drunk and while i was not single. Anyways .. i'm happy to be single, i realize that awhile back it was quite the opposite, i hated being single, i found it depressing that either nobody liked me or whoever did like me some odd stink'n reason part of me didnt like them in that same way. But now i dont care :) i'm rather glad i'm single and i hope to be like this for some time.

HA ha .. i'm at school right now, kindof on my lunchbreak. During Math today there was a problem solving question which had a guy in it named Pokok ( poo - cock ... well kindof looks like it almost anyways ) that kindof made my day bright 'n shiney for a bit. Then some losers were throwing erasers at me, i would have gave them shit but they were girls lol so i jus' took it like a loser.

Well my times up, lunch is about to end so i'm outta here.

blind_lotus @ 2005-04-24T22:03:00

2005-04-25T05:07:35Z

Hey Russ here, I got Andrew to do the same personality test I did and he just wanted me to link it in his LiveJournal since he couldn't himself. http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/enfp.htm

this sounds about right

2005-03-08T23:39:46Z

You Are 15% Left Brained, 85% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.

Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.

If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.

Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.

Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.

If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.

Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

blind_lotus @ 2005-03-08T15:27:00

2005-03-08T23:27:12Z

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

blind_lotus @ 2005-03-08T15:25:00

2005-03-08T23:25:09Z

You Will Die at Age 67

67

You're pretty average when it comes to how you live...

And how you'll die as well.

What Age Will You Die?

blind_lotus @ 2005-03-08T15:19:00

2005-03-08T23:19:29Z

You Are 14 Years Old

14

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?